One of the most difficult tasks of a fencing parent is to comfort their child after losing. We all have been there more times than we ever wanted to be. Fencing is a sport where you lose more than you win. Much more. Ask any Olympic Champion and they will tell you their ratio, not only during their growing period but also when they are on the top. Yes, they are Olympic Champions, but that only means they won this specific competition, the most important one, of course, and their names are forever entered into the annals of history. But outside these few well-known victories, their fencing careers, from their first days in the fencing club to their last day until they hang their swords and masks, are full of losses. Bitter losses, heartbreaking losses, devastating losses, losses to absolutely unknown fencers or much younger and less experienced, losses in their “should-win” matches and many, many more.

So, losing in fencing is a norm, not an exception. And it’s hard on both fencers and, while they are young, their parents too.

I’ve written a lot about how important it is to learn to lose, and I believe that I will write much more, as this is a never-ending topic. But now I would like to address a question I was asked yesterday in a regional competition I coached. And the question was how best to comfort a child.

I must admit that with four children in fencing, each one did it for at least 10 years, with a combined 40+ years of parental experience, I think I’m quite qualified to answer this question. But then I thought and realized that I may be the least qualified one. Frankly, I haven’t figured out the best formula yet. Because, and I answer in the most ambiguous way, it depends.

I know you hate this kind of answer and so do I.

But it really depends.

It depends on many factors:

• How old your child is
• What is their level of experience
• What is the level of competition – small local, regional, national?
• What is the age of your child compared to competitors
• Are these pool rounds or DE?
• If DE, how far advanced the round – is this a first DE or the Gold medal bout?
• Did your child ever advanced that far
• Did your child ever won/lost to their opponent before

This list of situations can go on and on, but most important is the following question:

• How does your child like to be comforted?

And that you must figure out with trial and error. Nobody can tell you this, not even your child.

How often did you find yourself in a situation where you talked to your child after their loss, tried to comfort them with your kind words and gently hugs only to hear their harsh ‘Please, leave me alone! Don’t talk to me!’ and the next time you decide to follow the same guidelines and leave your child alone when they lost, only to be scolded later that you didn’t care at all? I guess we all have been there.

So while I didn’t give you a definite answer and advice in this post, I hope this gives you some perspective.

But the most important thing is the following – your child needs your support, your child needs you to be on their side when they lose and they need to feel your unconditional love, win or lose. If no matter what the outcome is, no matter what the level of the competition, no matter what’s its round and how and whom they lost to, they feel this love, then believe me, the exact way you comfort your child would be secondary. Sometimes you wouldn’t guess what your child needs the most at that exact moment, but if they feel your unquestionable support, you can’t go wrong, at least not terribly wrong.

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