It happened during a seemingly ordinary practice session. I overheard a conversation between one of our teenage fencers and their coach. They weren’t discussing technique or competition strategy – they were talking about school troubles, friend dynamics, and the weight of expectations. The teenager spoke with an openness I rarely saw them display with their parents, and the coach listened with that unique blend of attention and understanding that comes from years of working with young athletes.
This moment crystallized something I’ve observed over years in the fencing community: while parents remain the cornerstone of a child’s life, their fencing coach often becomes another crucial adult figure – sometimes even the main one during those challenging teenage years.
Think about it. In our modern educational system, especially in the USA, teachers change yearly. Each August brings a new face, a new teaching style, a new relationship to build. By June, just as your child has fully adjusted, it’s time to reset and start over. After-school activity leaders, tutors, and other adults in your child’s life often follow a similar pattern of transient presence.
But a fencing coach? They’re different. They’re there for the long haul. Look at Olympic champion Lee Kiefer, who has trained with the same coach for over 20 years. This isn’t just about learning fencing – it’s about having a consistent adult presence through the turbulent years of growing up.
Most of the kids are doing fencing because they really love it. It’s their passion, they call themselves ‘fencer’, for many it is their identity. So it is only natural that the person who helps them the most to shape and realize this identity, to nurture this passion, to develop their life long approach, ie their fencing coach, becomes such an important figure.
This long-term relationship creates something unique. Your child’s coach becomes more than just someone who teaches them how to score touches or perfect their footwork. They become a life mentor, a trusted confidant, and sometimes, the first adult your teenager turns to when facing life’s challenges.
Here’s what makes this relationship so special: Unlike parents, coaches occupy a unique middle ground. They’re authority figures, yes, but they’re not entangled in the daily struggles of homework, chores, and sibling rivalries. They’re adults who can offer guidance, but they’re removed from the immediate family dynamic that sometimes makes it hard for teenagers to open up to their parents.
I’ve seen it countless times – a young fencer struggling with a friendship issue or academic pressure will confide in their coach before anyone else. A quiet corner of the fencing club becomes a safe space where your child can voice their fears, doubts, and dreams without feeling judged or pressured.
This might feel threatening to some parents. After all, isn’t it our job to be there for our children? Shouldn’t we be their first choice for advice and guidance? But here’s the truth: this isn’t about replacement – it’s about expansion. Your child isn’t choosing their coach over you; they’re adding another trusted adult to their support system.
I don’t remember a single day when a parent didn’t ask me or one of the coaches to talk with their child about some issue, from training to nutrition to sleep and anything in between, because the child would not listen to the parents but would listen to the coach. Sounds familiar to you? I can bet it does – because you found yourself in the same situation several times too, when you asked your child’s coach to convey some message to your child.
Think of it this way: during teenage years, when questioning parental authority is a natural part of development, having another responsible adult who shares your values can be invaluable. While teens might resist parental advice on principle, they might be more receptive to similar guidance coming from their coach.
But this dynamic comes with an important caveat: you need to choose wisely. Your child’s coach isn’t just teaching them how to fence – they’re potentially shaping their worldview, their approach to challenges, their understanding of success and failure. This means that alignment of values becomes crucial.
When selecting a coach, look beyond their technical expertise. Ask yourself: Does this person embody the values you want your child to develop? How do they handle defeat? How do they celebrate victory? What life lessons are embedded in their coaching style?
Watch how they interact with their fencers. Do they focus solely on results, or do they emphasize growth and effort? How do they handle a struggling athlete? These moments reveal more about their potential influence on your child than their competitive achievements or coaching credentials.
Remember, this influence will likely extend far beyond the fencing strip. Your child’s coach will be there during some of their most vulnerable moments – after crushing defeats, during periods of self-doubt, when facing difficult choices. They’ll be there during celebrations too – first victories, achieved goals, moments of breakthrough and triumph. And I don’t necessary mean in fencing only.
This is why it’s crucial to welcome and nurture this relationship rather than feel threatened by it. Your child’s coach can become a powerful ally in their development, reinforcing the values you’re trying to instill at home, offering perspective when family dynamics get tense, and providing a model of adult behavior that complements your parenting. Model of behavior – take a notice.
Some practical advice: Get to know your child’s coach, but maintain appropriate boundaries. Understand their coaching philosophy and communication style. Share important information about your child, but resist the urge to micromanage the coach-athlete relationship. Trust that this space, separate from the parent-child dynamic, has value in itself.
And yes, there will be times when your teenager shares something important with their coach before telling you. They might even never tell you! They might process a disappointment or celebrate an achievement in the fencing club before bringing it home. This isn’t a failure of parenting – it’s often a sign that your child has found another trusted adult in their life, and that’s something to praise and celebrate.
Because here’s what we sometimes forget in our desire to be everything for our children: they need a village. They need multiple perspectives, different types of support, various models of adult behavior. A coach who stays with them for years, who sees them grow not just as athletes but as people, who understands their journey because they’ve been there for every step – that’s an invaluable part of this village.
So the next time you see your child in deep conversation with their coach, or notice them seeking their coach’s opinion on matters beyond fencing, remember: this isn’t diminishing your role as a parent. It’s enriching your child’s support system, providing them with another source of guidance, and helping them build the network of relationships they’ll need to navigate life’s challenges.
In the end, isn’t that what we really want for our children? Not to be their only source of support, but to help them build a strong network of positive adult influences who can guide them, challenge them, and help them grow into the people they’re meant to become.
Poignant concurrent with the death of my high school ref and later ref colleague, retired UPenn coach, David Michanik, OLY.