In a competition in Washington DC, I witnessed a situation that immediately prompted me to write a post about it. Unfortunately, this is all too common in our sport, and I’ve never seen a competition without it. However, this time, the girl put it so eloquently in her response that I felt compelled to write about it.

It was a tense moment during a fencing match. A young athlete, let’s call her Sarah, found herself locked in a fierce Direct Elimination bout. As she faced her opponent, her coach offered guidance and encouragement from the sidelines. But alongside the coach stood her mother, eagerly seconding every word, often offering her own commentary, and even questioning the referee’s calls. The atmosphere was charged with intensity as the match progressed.

As the bout entered the third period, the score stood at 13-13. Both athletes were neck and neck, with victory hanging in the balance. Within the first few seconds of the third period, Sarah’s opponent scored a crucial touch, taking the lead 14-13. It was a pivotal moment, and tensions ran high.

Amidst the pressure, Sarah’s mother couldn’t contain herself. She shouted instructions, a mix of what the coach had said and her own observations. The cacophony of voices only added to Sarah’s confusion and frustration. Finally, unable to bear it any longer, Sarah turned to her mother and delivered a resounding “Mom, shut up! You confuse me!” The words reverberated through the convention center, cutting through the tension like a blade.

It was a moment of clarity amidst the chaos. Sarah’s plea resonated not just with her mother but with everyone present. It served as a stark reminder of the importance of boundaries and trust in the athlete-coach-parent dynamic.

While perhaps extreme, this scenario highlights a common issue in youth sports in general and fencing in particular (or maybe especially): overcoaching by parents. While it’s natural for parents to want the best for their children and to offer support during competitions, there are times when their well-intentioned efforts can do more harm than good.

I happened to witness this with another coach, when we both were watching this bout with an interest. When the girl said it to her mom, we both smiled and discussed the situation after the match, so here are some common reasons that we exchanged in our aftermath conversation for why parents should resist the urge to coach their child from the sidelines, especially when a coach is present. I’m not sure whether this list is comprehensive or if additional people (coaches, parents, athletes) will find more reasons why not, but still, these reasons are sound enough to realize your boundaries.

1. Undermining Coach’s Authority: When parents sideline the coach’s authority by offering their own instructions during a match, it disrupts the athlete’s focus and creates confusion. The coach-athlete relationship relies on trust and respect, and parental interference can undermine this delicate balance. Additionally, conflicting advice from parents and coaches can lead to indecision and hesitation on the strip, ultimately hindering the athlete’s performance.
2. Confusing the Athlete: An athlete relies on clear, concise instructions from their coach to navigate the complexities of a fencing bout. When parents interject with their own commentary, it can overwhelm the athlete and muddy the waters of communication. Mixed messages during a match can leave the athlete unsure of whose guidance to follow, leading to hesitancy and missed opportunities.
3. Creating Tension on the Strip: Fencing is a sport that demands focus, composure, and mental agility. When parents inject themselves into the coaching dynamic during a match, it can create an atmosphere of tension and distraction on the strip. The athlete may feel pressured to appease both their parent and their coach, further exacerbating their stress and diminishing their performance.
4. Breaking the Athlete’s Concentration: Fencing bouts require intense concentration and mental acuity. Any disruption to this focus, such as a parent’s unsolicited commentary, can derail the athlete’s concentration and disrupt their rhythm. The athlete needs to be fully immersed in the match, and parental interference can pull their attention away from the task at hand, leading to costly errors and missed opportunities.
5. Undermining Trust in the Coach: The athlete-coach relationship is built on trust, mutual respect, and open communication. When parents insert themselves into the coaching process during a match, it erodes the trust that the athlete has in their coach. The athlete may begin to question the coach’s authority and guidance, leading to doubts about their ability to lead them to success.
6. Diminishing Confidence: Confidence is essential for success in fencing. When parents constantly intervene with their own instructions and criticisms during a match, it can erode the athlete’s confidence in their own abilities. The athlete may begin to doubt themselves and their training, leading to hesitancy and self-consciousness on the strip. Confidence is fragile, and parental interference can shatter it, leaving the athlete vulnerable to defeat. Please distinguish between what the coach delivers (instruction and guidance) and what parents often deliver (judgment and expectations – more about this later).
7. Disrupting Team Dynamics: Fencing is not just an individual sport; it often involves team competitions and camaraderie. When parents insert themselves into the coaching process during a team match, it can disrupt the dynamics of the team. Other athletes may feel uncomfortable or distracted by the parent’s commentary, leading to a breakdown in team cohesion and morale. A cohesive team is essential for success in fencing, and parental interference can fracture this unity.
8. Setting Unreasonable Expectations: Parents often have high expectations for their children’s performance in sports. However, when they overstep their bounds and attempt to coach their child during a match, it can set unrealistic expectations and place undue pressure on the athlete. Fencing is a complex and challenging sport, and success cannot be guaranteed with mere parental guidance from the sidelines. Parents must trust in the coach’s expertise and allow the athlete to develop at their own pace.
9. Straining the Parent-Athlete Relationship: Fencing matches are emotionally charged events, and parental interference can strain the relationship between parent and athlete. When parents continually insert themselves into the coaching process, it can lead to arguments, resentment, and frustration. The athlete may feel suffocated by their parent’s constant presence and may begin to distance themselves emotionally. A healthy parent-athlete relationship is crucial for long-term success in fencing, and parental interference can jeopardize this bond.
10. Disrupting the Flow of the Match: Fencing bouts unfold at a rapid pace, with split-second decisions determining the outcome. When parents interject with their own commentary and instructions, it disrupts the flow of the match and interrupts the athlete’s momentum. Fencing is a sport that requires athletes to be fully present and in tune with their instincts, and parental interference can disrupt this delicate balance. To excel in fencing, athletes must be allowed to focus solely on the task at hand without unnecessary distractions from the sidelines.

One thing that I rarely see (and I must admit, I rarely say it myself to the parents from my own club) is that the coach asks parents to keep quiet. You ask why? Well, the simple answer is because we are in America, and you pay your coach money to strip-coach your child, and if you think that you help us by offering your unsolicited advice on the strip, well, we would rather keep our opinion to ourselves. But since at this moment of writing, I am not insulting anyone (at least not directly :-)), I can be more open to express my (and I believe the majority of the coaches) opinion in a gentle way: ‘Parents, it would help your child more if you leave strip coaching to your coach.’ 

While we appreciate your enthusiasm and support for your child’s fencing journey, allowing the coach to guide them during bouts ensures consistency and prevents confusion. Remember, your child trusts their coach to provide the necessary guidance and instruction to help them succeed on the strip. By respecting this dynamic, you contribute to a positive and productive learning environment for your child and their fellow fencers. This sentiment might not be voiced often, given the cultural context where coaches are hired for their expertise, but it remains an important aspect of fostering a constructive coaching relationship.

P.S. The photo in this post was taken ten years ago and is irrelevant to the story. It serves only as an illustration to the post since I must put one to capture your attention 🙂