“The days are long, but the years are short.”
This adage about what it’s like to be a parent really hits home. There are long days of working hard, with all of the immense number of details that we have to keep track of. Juggling everything means we can either find ourselves on autopilot or totally lost in appreciating the preciousness of time that we’ve got. There are also those real moments of frustration and exasperation.
Then, in the blink of an eye, the kids aren’t kids anymore and they’re ready to head off to college. All that crush of the day-to-day is gone so quickly, even though it all seemed endless when we were cleaning fencing uniforms or driving to a competition.
Being a long-time fencing parent is both exciting and exhausting. We hope these ten tips will give you a better foothold so that the long days feel more like a connection with your kids through fencing, which is what they should be!
1. Look to the future, but enjoy the present
This tip is first because it is where everything else flows from. If you’ve been a fencing parent for a long time, the chances are that your fencer has serious goals that they are pursuing. It might be to fence at Fencing Summer Nationals, to land a spot on a college fencing team, or even to get all the way to the Olympics.
These big dreams are great! We should always have goals and we should always work toward them. You’ll burn yourself out if you only think about the future, though. Instead, give yourself the grace to enjoy the moment. Focus on the small picture rather than always looking at the big picture. Life is made up of those little moments, and they are fleeting.
2.Define success
Longtime fencers generally have plenty of goals, both short-term and long-term, to get them where they want to go. Fencing parents don’t tend to sit down and write out goals in the same way, though you’ve probably folded strategies and supports into your own life planning.
What does success look like for you as a fencing parent? The answer is universal. Successful parenting is you knowing that you’ve done the best you can for your child to foster their independence and become the best version of themselves. That’s what we’re all here to do. The same applies to fencing parenting. You’re a successful fencing parent if you’ve given your child the opportunity to do what they love and to grow through it.
It is worthwhile to think about this question and even to write down your answers. Think about it in terms of your specific situation – what do you want for your child, in conjunction with their own goals? What can you do to get there? As you child gets older, this often means finding ways to untangle your support and to let them stand on their own.
3. Let your fencer be independent
This point directly spins off of the last one. Fencers who’ve been at this for a year or two (or three or four), can probably do a whole lot more than you think they can. The learning curve that was required to get into the sport is gone, and now you can really let your fencer go out and do things on their own.
If they need to reschedule a lesson, sit down with them and the software and let them do it. Show them the registration process for fencing competitions and let them fill it all in. Transparency is great for teenagers as it keys them into the real-world cost of things like fencing fees and the labor that it takes to make it all happen.
This extends to packing for travel, checking equipment, determining goals, etc. Everything from filling their water bottle to laundering fencing knickers. Parents are here to take care of everything and make sure it all goes off as well as possible, but letting kids do things independently is empowering for them.
4. Encourage fencers to take risks
Teenagers and older kids tend to be natural risk takers, but they can get stuck like we all can. Part of this age is pushing boundaries and growing through testing the waters.
Encourage your child not to take the safe path in their fencing. When they’ve been fencing for a while, it can get easy to stay in the same path and stick with what works. The problem there is that growth happens when we step out of our comfort zone. Encourage your child to go to the next level by doing things that are outside of their comfort zone. Whether it’s going to a competition in an unfamiliar city or taking on an opponent in open fencing who they know is going to be difficult, taking the risk is almost always worth it. Even when it turns to failure, that’s still a positive thing that they can learn from.
5. Create check-in opportunities
Sometimes the wheel of fencing parenting can start turning without us being in touch with what’s going on. Drop the fencer off at practice, arrange a carpool, register for a tournament, figure out the travel, pack the gear bag, etc.
The older kids get, the less likely they are to come to us with problems. That’s especially true if they don’t think that we’re the experts, i.e. if they’re having a problem with fencing and we as parents aren’t fencing experts.
More than half the battle is having an open door and creating real opportunities for them to open up. Daily or weekly check-ins, whether they’re just about fencing or if they’re of a general nature, they can make a huge difference. Sometimes talking is hard for kids and teens, especially when life gets busy. One solution is to post a white board in a central location in the house or to create a Google Doc or spreadsheet that you can both write into. This leaves the door open for your young fencer to let you know about things without having to have a sit-down. It might be something as simple as a note about their private lesson schedule, or it might be as complex as them rethinking their goals. Either way, it’s better for everyone when they are opportunities to talk about it.
6. Model kindness & integrity
Integrity and kindness are transferable skills that every parent wants to instill in their kids. Though fencing is a voracious sport that is explosive in its combat, that doesn’t mean that there is any ill intent behind a lunge or a touch.
When they see you being kind and living with integrity, they’ll follow suit. Longtime fencing parents tend to be passionate about their fencer’s progress and excited for their successes. That’s fantastic! Showing compassion for a referee or an opponent or a coach will set the tone for how your kids interact with others.
There is a cliche about serious sports parents getting heavy handed and emotional, and it’s a cliche for a reason. Luckily, it’s not overly prevalent in fencing, but being fiercely protective of our kids is a constant for parents everywhere. Be intentional about how you interact with others in the world around you, and watch your kids follow your lead.
7. Take stock of what’s working
This one is so simple, but it’s transformative. If you’ve been doing all of the things that being a fencing parent requires, then you probably picked up ways to do those things along the way without thinking about them.
There are always hiccups in the ways that we do things. Maybe you have your child’s fencing gear in an upstairs closet when you’d be better served to keep it in the garage where it doesn’t have to go up and down the stairs. Check the fencing schedule to see if there are different class times, or a different private lesson time that would better fit in your schedule. Rethink the idea of carpooling. What’s your process for packing and getting ready for an away competition? Maybe there’s an easier way to make it work.
A great way to do this is to think about the parts of your child’s fencing training that you avoid or that you dread – where’s the emotional “ugh” in your fencing routine? Then work on changing whatever that is.
8. Look back on their first fencing days
Take a minute and go back to have a look at your child’s early fencing days to see how far they’ve come. This is so impactful for fencing parents who’ve been going at this for a long time. It allows you to have some perspective on where you are now.
Dig out the pictures of their first experiences in class and in competition. Give yourself the gift of seeing how far they’ve come and how far you’ve come. Think about how fencing has shaped them, and then realize that it’s a gift you’ve helped to make happen.
9. Avoid becoming a “checkbox” fencing parent
Though there are lots of benefits to creating goals and writing down lists to keep track of what your fencer has accomplished, avoid becoming fixated on these things. Your child’s fencing experience is more than a series of boxes to check off.
“Competed in an NAC”, “Medaled at a regional competition”, “Trained with XYZ” – these things are all great goals, but accomplishments are about more than just checking off boxes. Accomplishments are about finding out how good you can be against yourself. You don’t have to be perfect to be valued, and you don’t have to win to be valued.
This is not only good for your child, it’s good for you too. You need to be able to think outside of the checkboxes too. It’s the personal experience, win or lose, that is important here.
10. Appreciate yourself
We put a heavy emphasis on the accomplishments of our children, and that’s as it should be. However, our final tip for longtime fencing parents is to appreciate yourself. You have put time, money, emotional energy, and hard work into supporting your young fencer. Give credit to yourself for all of that good stuff that you’ve facilitated!
Write down a list of the things that you’ve sacrificed and the ways that you’ve molded your life to allow them to go on their fencing journey. You don’t have to share this list with anyone else, you can just keep it for yourself. The point is to quantify what you’ve contributed and to celebrate that. You deserve it.
This kind of appreciation exercise can help to fuel you so that you can continue to be there for your young fencer. Parents put in so very much to their fencers, and it’s absolutely critical that we recognize that. Fencing success doesn’t happen without a strong support system, and you as a longtime fencing parent are the backbone of that support system. You deserve to feel good about yourself!
Your job as a fencing parent is incredibly complex and multifaceted. Longtime fencing parents become experts at juggling a wide variety of needs, guiding their kids through the sometimes difficult path of fencing. It’s a lot of work, but our kids benefit so greatly from it!
Sometimes the hardest part of being a parent is figuring out how to maintain our footing. We sincerely hope that these longtime fencing parent tips help you to find that balance!
R
Enable their independence is the strongest recommendation that has long-lasting effects.
yuk
Hello Igor,
My daughter has few tournaments last year and this year. She has greatly gain interest on Fencing. However she still has lots of areas need to be improved I wonder if you can give her advice on how she can improve if I send you some of her bouts videos ?
Many thanks
Yuk
R
@Yuk: It’s your daughter’s responsibility to search and view her online videos. This article spoke to enabling independence. This would be a step.
Igor Chirashnya
Hi Yuk,
That’s really great that your daughter enjoyed competing and fencing. That is the way to go! I am sure she has a lot of areas to improve – everybody does 🙂
The best person to review your daughter’s videos and discuss areas of work is her fencing coach. Only he will be able to provide the right feedback based on her fencing history and establish the roadmap for her. I recommend your daughter talk to him/her about these tournament videos, and I am sure they will develop a plan to address whatever she needs.
Hope this helps.
Igor.
Anonymous
Will do
Thank you